If these couples had had some early help with a few basic skills, they mightn’t have separated. And that was my biggest motivator in going on from mediation to train in relationship counselling. It makes me want to do my absolute best for my clients every day.
Good counselling can help you reconnect. It might help you stop seeing only the worst, and to once again see your spouse as someone to be truly valued and desired, even with all their faults. This might sound far-fetched but when counselling helps couples to reconnect emotionally, the results can sometimes be magical. It is equally true, though, that ill-conceived relationship counselling can be problematic – setting up triangles, leaving one person feeling like a scapegoat, opening up old wounds and doing nothing to soothe them.
I am dedicated to doing my absolute best to help save relationships. This is a debatable issue in the relationships counselling world, as it is true that not every relationship should be saved. Many have argued that “the relationship is not sacred”. I agree that not every relationship should be saved, but when people really care about each other, relationships are pretty sacred aren’t they? I hate to see break-ups between couples who really love each other, but don’t know how to live together without fights and heartache.
If your relationship is really beyond help, and especially if one of you has truly left emotionally, counselling may not save things. However, it will often help you exit more easily, with less hurt, bitterness and recriminations.
And with a handful of exceptions, almost everyone else arrives with absolutely beautiful intentions of doing the right thing towards their spouse. Even if they haven’t been the best husband, wife or partner so far, most have the capacity and desire to change and make things better.
I am always moved by these kind of intentions and I join with clients during their time with me to find an angle, any angle, that will help us all to see what went wrong, how things can be better and allow them to reconnect on a deep, beautiful and loving level. To do this I draw on a number of counselling techniques and strategies. Some people won’t care about the “how”. “Just give me the results!” they’ll say. For others, knowing about the “how” is really important before committing to the process, so I have outlined some of the strategies I use below. You can also read much more about these and other helpful approaches in my resources section.
Research has shown that Sue Johnson's Emotionally Focused Therapy for Couples (EFT) helps 70 to 75 per cent of couples to move away from relationship distress into relationship recovery, with 90 per cent of couples reporting improvement to their relationships after EFT therapy.
These are amazing results – using EFT you have a 9 out of 10 chance of improving your relationship and a 7 out of 10 chance of “fixing it” if things are in a really distressed state.
But statistics alone aren’t the reason I love EFT. I find it to be very gentle, validating and affirming. I find EFT helps couples get quickly to the heart of things: it helps you and your partner go down through complex layers of emotions, reactions and behaviours so that you can uncover the patterns or perpetual dynamic in your relationship.
EFT is based on both classic and cutting edge knowledge around how we attach to other humans and how our brain is wired for this attachment. Modern developments in neuroscience fully support the science of EFT. In EFT you will hear terms such as “raw spot”, “attachment injury” and “infinity loop” and be given homework to take note of the triggers that catapult you both into a destructive cycle. In sessions we work through three main stages. The first is the de-escalation phase. It helps you identify the cycle that you’re trapped in and calm down immediate conflict and hurt. In stage two we work on deconstructing the triggers and exploring what is behind them for each of you. Both of these stages can be incredibly revealing. In the third phase we work to consolidate insights and change until you are well away from risk of getting back into unhelpful behaviours.
John Gottman was the first leading researcher to look specifically at couples and identify where they go wrong, and has spent 30-plus years studying the subject. He became famous for being able to listen to newlyweds talk and then predict with great accuracy if they would divorce within 5 years. He was able to identify hallmarks of conversation that indicated trouble. He called these “the four horseman of the apocalypse”.
The four horsemen are criticism (when people point out their partner’s character flaws to try and make things better), defensiveness (the way in which people resist taking responsibility for how their actions are affecting their spouse), contempt (when people feel so hurt that they resort to using derision and insults) and stonewalling (when one person just withdraws, whether for self-protection or relationship protection, and refuses to talk or be accessible in any way at all).
In our sessions together we explore the four horsemen in more detail and practice ways of speaking to each other that leave the four horsemen out. You can of course read plenty about the four horseman online or in print – look at my resources section. A word of warning: talking to each other in new ways and hearing each other in new ways takes a LOT of practice and if you find it hard to do on your own, keep persevering – or get help – but don’t give up.
Realising that re-building relationships in trouble required couples to address their unique areas of strength and weakness, John and Julie Gottman identified stages or aspects of relationships that could be worked through in order to rebuild a couple’s “sound relationship house”.
The roof of the sound relationship house is held up with walls of trust and commitment. These qualities in the relationship must be solid for the relationship to stay strong in the long term. Within the house itself there are layers to explore and put right.
Gottman techniques help you firstly “build love maps” by looking at how well you know your partner, their history, hopes and fears; secondly to develop and increase levels of “fondness and admiration” in part through expressions of appreciation; and thirdly to learn how to “turn towards” – to state your needs, be aware of your partner’s need for connection and respond to them.
The “positive perspective” is step four in the sound relationship house, helping you see how to take a positive approach to problem solving and make successful attempts when trying to repair a damaging event or moment.
John Gottman proved that even great relationships experience conflict. Conflict is natural and can play a positive and functional role in your relationship. Because of this and because most couples present with great conflict, we most often start rebuilding your relationship at step five, “managing conflict”. I help you to understand the critical difference between handling perpetual problems and solvable problems.
Once damaging conflict is resolved we work on step six, “make life dreams come true”. I encourage each of you to speak about your hopes, dreams, values and aspirations and in a similar vein, we move to step seven, “create shared meaning”. I seek to help you to understand the important myths about your relationship, their meanings and and how they influence you.
Steps eight and nine are working on the walls of your relationship, trust and commitment. Step eight, trust; occurs when you know that your partner acts and thinks to maximise your best interests and benefits, and not just their own. In step nine, “commitment”, we work on cherishing your partner and nurturing your gratitude. All of these later stages of the sound relationship house are a pleasure to work through and really set you up for a positive life together with shared goals and values – it just varies with each couple how long we take to get to the later stages.
At your first appointment I will see you together for a 75-minute oral assessment. I then see you individually for 75 minutes to hear each of your stories, perspectives and personal history in more detail. Next, I examine your case, and we start work together.
With most couples I use a blended approach of EFT and Gottman techniques as I see appropriate. I might sometimes use a solution-focussed or CBT (cognitive behavioural therapy) question – and I might direct you towards some mindfulness practice if I think it might help you. I work intuitively, considering what will work for each couple at each stage, practicing “the art of therapy”.
You’ll find more information on my Relationship Counselling FAQs page. Please contact me if you have any more questions.
